Where Did the Desire Go?

Things don’t seem much different. 
It’s really hard to understand how we got to this place. 
There was a time we taught the marriage classes.

Of course, we were young. Only 7 years into our life together. We had our first baby and were living in a townhome community with other young families. We had a small group of five couples and poured over the scriptures to learn how to have a marriage without regrets. We met once a week to share wisdom from God’s word.

Where did that wisdom go?
How did we come to a place of such emptiness?
Don’t the promises of God work?

Yes.
His promises are true.

We broke the conditions…
Some things are conditional.

Now, I suppose, the question is if we want to fix it…

Desire seems to be gone.

Will He?

Yellow leaves fluttering down
Landing softly on the ground
Signs of life coming to an end…

Golden girl stumbling around
Falling, she lies on the ground
Slowly dying from choices made…

Winter comes in bitter cold,
Wrapping her in a strangled hold
Feeling buried beneath the weight…

She prays for resurrection life,
Hoping, yet only feeling strife.
His mercies, He says, are new…

Dreams have died deep in the heart
The future, violently torn apart…
Can He, will He, redeem this too?

Making the Pieces Work

I’m trying…

I think I’m too introspective.
I need to stop seeing ME and start seeing others.
The world does not spin around my messy existence!

Yet, that’s the name of the blog and the reason I chose to write here…to better understand my thoughts…in hopes of further healing.

My counselor has stated that when we don’t talk about our stuff it just gets bigger and bigger until our thinking becomes distorted. But, if we’ll share…get it out…even journal it…we have a much better chance of thinking clearly.

That’s what I’m trying to do.
I want to think clearly.

I want to think thoughts that are pleasing to God.

But, the only way I know to do that is to confess the ones that aren’t so pleasing. Not to hide, as Adam and Eve did in the Garden. Not to blame.  Again…the Garden. But to come right out and “fess up!”

And deal with whatever comes.

So…I did it.
I ‘fessed up.
And now I’m dealing…I hope.

I daily seek a quiet place that’s far from trouble and strife,
Where I can piece together all the puzzles of my life.
It’s there, away from TV and books, and far from the telephone,
That I can fellowship with God, just He and I alone.
It’s there He pours His balm of love into the life I live.
And there I find a peace and joy that only He can give.
I will not fear the circumstances I face from day to day,
For daily, in my quiet place, I’m learning how to pray.
~Glenda Fulton Davis

 

Oh God, please make the puzzle pieces of my life work…please.

Home Is Where the Heart Is

Four people have my heart and live in this home.
One person has my heart and lives far, far away.

Where does my heart reside?
Pieces here…pieces there…

And yet, I’m told to love the Lord,
My God,
With all my heart…

O God, help me to love purely. 
To live with integrity. 
To fulfill Your commands. 

Make my heart beat as Yours. 
Make my heart desire Your will.

You are my only hope.

Going Home

I’m scared.

I’m not sure how it will go…If we’ve done enough talking for it to have made a difference…If we’ve seen our “issues” well enough to seek the change needed…If we really even want to change…

I wonder how much willingness he has to do the work, and how much humility I have to accept the situation as is…not as I would have it. 

It really is about us both being willing to humble ourselves…to not seek our own…to keep no record of wrongs…to believe, to bear, to hope, to endure…all things…for the sake of Love.

Will we?

I’m scared…

I Apologized

It wasn’t hard at the moment, but it was hell leading up to the day.

I’m still surprised at what I’m capable of doing. I lived in a false bubble for so long, thinking I would never do anything deliberately against God’s will. I mean, sure, I did little things. But nothing BIG.

We measure sins on earth.
I’m so thankful God doesn’t.

Yes, He lays out different punishments in The Law for different sins as a consequence for the earthly suffering caused and the need to “rid the camp” of evil. But if I break any part of The Law, I’m guilty of it all. Somehow, even knowing that, I still felt “better” that I hadn’t done the “big” sins.

Not anymore.
I’m not “better”.
Never was, just in denial.

I’m not in denial anymore. And I was able to tell my kids to not do as Mom did. “Even if you are tempted, and you will be, don’t do it. Remember the pain and disappointment you’ve felt because of what I did, and trust in God’s ways. Don’t take a shortcut when life gets too hard. Hold fast to your convictions, asking God to get you through…”

I hope they remember my apology when their time of trial comes.

They will be tried. 
And they will fail. 
We all do.

But, I pray my poor example will be a source of wisdom for them. 
That they will not choose the path of fools.

Foolishness brings joy to those who have no sense;
A sensible person stays on the right path.
Proverbs 15:21

Real Friends

I caught up with Old Friend today.

My life has been much too messy to share. But, she saw through my ‘need’ to hibernate and asked to visit. I was surprised how easy it was to tell her all about my mess. Especially after the last post. The one about grace.

She demonstrated grace…
To me…today.

Thank you, Old Friend.